Amatonormativity
“… the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types”.
1. Academic review of Prof. Elizabeth Brake’s book, Minimizing marriage: Marriage, morality, and the law.
2. Blog entry by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. (author of Living Single): Should marriage be abolished, minimized, or left alone? A philosopher explains the moral value of all caring relationships.
Aggie Sez: Couple privilege: Having it doesn’t necessarily make you an asshole (But it might)
“It’s not inherently abusive to choose to enshrine aspects of couple privilege in how you conduct relationships — as long as the primary partners are making those decisions strictly as their own criteria and not presuming to impose the conditions nonconsensually after the fact. Other partners may choose to abide by their strictures, or not. And many non-primary partners choose to roll with restrictions and limitations in order to prioritize or protect primary relationships. Often they do so quite cheerfully, and everyone’s happy. But, ask the kinky people you know: When someone is routinely expected to accommodate, sacrifice, or come last — that’s a power dynamic. And presumed, unconscious, or nonconsensual power dynamics tend to be very bad news indeed.”
Angelus Morningstar: The dynamics of polyamory and couple privilege
“… in accepting that the dichotomy must be hierarchy-anarchy, one makes the presumption that all non-anarchistic relationships must be hierarchical. The usefulness of this critique is the way it gives licence to questioning the structures of relationships, to consider whether certain dynamics within the relationship aren’t just following entrenched systems of power inherited from social conventions. Polyamoury has an underlying message of embracing fluidity, but ultimately it must be tailored to personal circumstances. Specifically, polyamoury is broad enough to include both relationships that are entirely fluid, and ones that reinforce patterns of stability. In principle, all is permitted provided mutual informed consent is practiced.”
Simon Broussard: Examining Couple Privilege Versus Earned Privilege
“In my understanding of life, there are inherent privileges extended to my wife. She’s got eighteen years of history with me; an enormous emotional investment; financial and property entanglements; domestic chores and obligations; kids; … it’s just impossible for me to look at another relationship on the same level as the one I have with my wife. I’ve got too much skin in the game. Thus I must acknowledge that there’s inherent bias in my decision-making that will err on the side of preserving my marriage. And, honestly, I’m not really apologetic about it. It’s my marriage. I dig it. I choose to keep it around. Call it couple privilege or whatever: it’s important to me. It’s going to affect everything I do. …”
David Noble: So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?
Franklin Veaux: Polyamory: So What Is Couple Privilege, Anyway?
Adapted from Franklin Veaux’s So What Is Couple Privilege, Anyway?
Re-framing 8 Common Aspects of Couple Privilege
| Privilege | Re-framed |
|---|---|
| I am entitled to more than you give your other relationships. | This is how much I need for our current relationship to thrive. |
| Nobody else can be financially entwined with us. | I need my partners to demonstrate that they understand how protective I am of my financial assets. |
| I am entitled to vet your other partners. (or) You may only date people that I approve of. | Building my own connection with the people who matter to you is an important aspect of how I wish to shape and support our relationship. |
| Our relationship entitles me to your resources (time, finances, and so on) unless we explicitly negotiate otherwise. | Your resources are yours to manage. We have incurred certain obligations together and I wish to manage those together as a team. |
| I am entitled to veto your other partners. | I may express my opinions, my problems, and my concerns - even when they regard your other partners. For our relationship to thrive, it is important to me that my partners make time and space to hear and understand my opinions, problems, and concerns. |
| We create our rules. New partners should fit into our structures. | Every relationship is unique and what works for us may not work for anyone else. We will all work together to compassionately consider everyone's needs. |
| Our relationship was established before your new connections. That means I am your most important partner (or) our relationship gets priority. | Relationships are dynamic. All relationships evolve over time. It's important to me that we continue talking about our needs, and that our relationship continues to serve our needs in ways that allow our connection to thrive. |
| In any conflict, the needs of the primary partnership come before the needs of other connections. | Conflicts arise. I won’t always get what I want. What matters is that my partner makes time and space to hear and understand my concerns. |