This article was published by The Good Men Project on March 22, 2014. The author, Marie S. Crosswell, is a celibate asexual, a radical relationship anarchist, a thinker, and a writer. Her short fiction can be found in Thuglit , Plots with Guns, Flash Fiction Offensive, Beat to a Pulp, Betty Fedora, Dark Corners, and Locked and Loaded: Both Barrels Vol. 3. Her novella Lone Star on a Cowboy Heart was published in July 2016. You can read more by Marie S. Crosswell here.    Marie Crosswell introduces us to relationship anarchy, a new way of redefining – or undefining – relationships.   What is relationship anarchy? Relationship anarchy is a lifestyle, a way of doing personal relationships. Relationship anarchy is a philosophy, specifically a philosophy of love. A relationship anarchist believes that love is abundant and infinite, that all forms of love are equal, that relationships can and should develop organically with no adherence to rules or expectations from outside sources, that two people in any kind of emotionally salient relationship should have the freedom to do whatever they naturally desire both inside their relationship and outside of it with other people. When, where, how, and by who did relationship anarchy get started? It’s unclear. Very few resources exist about relationship anarchy at this point, but it’s definitely a philosophy that’s recently evolved out of the polyamorous community. Two online sources about the “guidelines” of relationship anarchy come from an unknown contributor in New Zealand during the first decade of the 2000sRead more

  Format Guidelines

We’re experimenting with a public calendar where community members can see our regular recurring events. A lot of us rely on our multiple google calendars to track our lives, so why not one more? That said, we need to be cautious about the information posted to a public calendar. Our events are not public. Privacy and safety are both serious concerns, so please: Do not share the calendar or calendar events with anyone outside of the RA community. Do not add personal information. Do not include addresses for events.

  Amatonormativity “… the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types”. 1. Academic review of Prof. Elizabeth Brake’s book, Minimizing marriage: Marriage, morality, and the law. 2. Blog entry by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. (author of Living Single): Should marriage be abolished, minimized, or left alone? A philosopher explains the moral value of all caring relationships.    Aggie Sez: Couple privilege: Having it doesn’t necessarily make you an asshole (But it might) “It’s not inherently abusive to choose to enshrine aspects of couple privilege in how you conduct relationships — as long as the primary partners are making those decisions strictly as their own criteria and not presuming to impose the conditions nonconsensually after the fact. Other partners may choose to abide by their strictures, or not. And many non-primary partners choose to roll with restrictions and limitations in order to prioritize or protect primary relationships. Often they do so quite cheerfully, and everyone’s happy. But, ask the kinky people you know: When someone is routinely expected to accommodate, sacrifice, or come last — that’s a power dynamic. And presumed, unconscious, or nonconsensual power dynamics tend to be very bad news indeed.”   Angelus Morningstar: The dynamics of polyamory and couple privilege “… in accepting that the dichotomy must be hierarchy-anarchy, one makes the presumption that all non-anarchisticRead more

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So, you’ve heard or read about Relationship Anarchy (RA) as a philosophy describing ways to shape your relationships. It’s also a tightly-knit community in the Seattle area. The idea for the group came about in July 2012 when three metamours sat on a grassy hill discussing the ways we each shape our polyamorous relationships. As we talked, we each described something we felt was missing – a way to connect people within our existing community, a recurring event where we could talk openly about our relationships and learn from each other, a supportive space where we could help each other through the challenges inherent to non-traditional practices. We held our first discussion event in October 2012. Each event that followed brought a few more attendees. Discussions typically focused on aspects of ethical non-monogamy, but we encouraged any of our friends who might want to talk about their relationships to attend. We knew we needed to underscore the importance of participating in person. We knew there was something powerful in having these vulnerable conversations openly in each other’s presence. We knew we needed a space that was safe enough for all of us to openly be our most authentic selves. That’s why we’re regionally focused. It’s why we don’t have a public forum online and why we’re not a public group. Most of our events are held in our homes. Many people in our community aren’t publicly out about certain aspects of their relationships. And all of us have found it invaluable to share a space where we can be our messy, authentic, imperfect, brilliant, beautiful selves. So, then, why do we call ourselves relationship anarchy?

You’ve heard about the Relationship Anarchy (RA) group organized in the Seattle area. But RA is also a philosophy describing ways to shape relationships. Between 2004 and 2008, Swedish blogger // genderqueer relationship hacker Andie Nordgren (and others) explored, developed, and defined some of the fundamental ideas that shape the philosophy of relationship anarchy. Andie Nordgren’s The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy was published as a pamphlet in 2006 (in Swedish: “Relationsanarki i 8 punkter”). Those guideposts are now translated and interpreted across a spectrum. Marie Crosswell distills relationship anarchy into explicitly essentialist terms in Relationship Anarchy Basics, defining exactly what a Relationship Anarchist Is And Is Not. Wesley Fenza, on the other hand, describes relationship anarchy as a framework that can be compatible with polyamorous relationships (Polamory vs. Relationship Anarchy). All that being said, these perspectives all share common elements – stepping away from societally prescribed relationship hierarchies, choosing to be self-responsible in determining the core needs and values that shape your relationships, and aspiring to grow and evolve your relationships based upon practices of trust, respect, communication, and the belief that love can be abundant. So, yeah: spectrum. Or, as some some folks in our group like to say: The path is wide.   So then, how does the philosophy of RA relate to the group?

We’re a group of people who get together each month to openly discuss the ways that we shape our relationships. Our topics tend to focus on aspects of consentual non-monogamy, but that’s not requisite for attending. So then what’s requisite for attending? Our code of ethics: Our events are for people who feel strongly aligned with our community’s code of ethics. Please read and understand our code of ethics. It’s important to us. One of the facets of our code of ethics that we’d like to highlight is respecting the identities of the people who choose to come and participate. One of the ways that we do that is a pronoun round in each group wherein each person will be asked their pronouns. You may never have thought of your pronouns and that’s okay. Please let us know the pronouns that you use in your daily life. It’s a matter of fundamental respect of people to respect someone’s pronouns and part of that is to treat the process with respect. It’s a privilege to never have thought of your pronouns, so we ask you to be respectful and conscientious throughout this process and in this space. This means that it is not acceptable to make jokes about gender, sexuality, or pronouns themselves at RA. Another is supporting each other through our mistakes and triumphs. For example, you may misgender someone or say something thoughtless. Please know that if you do, another community member may gently correct you. What’s important whenRead more

In a culture that limits the definition of relationship, we seek to expand it. We value the vast dynamic diversity that exists in the ways we approach and shape our relationships. The path is wide. Empathy & Compassion We treat each other with care and respect in ways that stretch beyond tolerance. We seek to erode and dispel shame in the space where we celebrate, process, and support each other’s dazzlingly different choices, experiences, histories, perspectives, explorations, difficulties and triumphs, regardless of whether they are congruent or divergent from our own. We honor each individual’s expression of identity; including and not limited to relationship structure, spiritual practices, sexual identity, gender identity, culture, race, ethnicity, age, physical ability, emotional ability, mental health, class, or musical preference. We strive to dissolve preconceived ideas, assumptions, and judgment of those differences. Nobody’s relationship looks exactly like another’s and we think that’s fucking rad. Radical Authenticity We give and are given the opportunity to manifest radical authenticity with each other, to go deep with less fear of condemnation for our identity or our choices. We are invested in each other, through mistakes and triumphs. Social Connectedness We believe in the ineffable magic of showing up; we strive to engage each other in-person. Relationships are an important and powerful vehicle for change. We seek to create and strengthen relationships in a purposeful effort to restore, maintain, and enhance our well-being. Evolution Through Agency Our most profound resource is the quality of what we offer each other. By showing up and creating space forRead more